CHURCH
From The New Revelation – Parish Magazine of St. Dunstan’s Of Patricroft, Salford. August 2016 Edition.
C OF E - THE ID DENOMINATION. By The Rev. Daniel Walters. 4209865264542154.
It is exactly a year since St. Dunstan’s made history by being the first church at which it was compulsory to give ID checks to parishioners entering and leaving all religious services. Now, many churches have followed our example, including the Catholics and the Methodists. Quakers and Unitarians however, refuse to support such a project.
Twelve months on, the ongoing census (which renders the ten year interval National Government census redundant) enables us to draw upon some exciting statistics. The churches are now more full than any time in the latter half of the previous century. Many people were just using churches for baptisms, weddings and funerals. With employers and other authority figures being able to see at an ID card glance whether someone has been to church regularly, (i.e., every Sunday at least) or not, our congregations have swollen. Ironically, the Quakers have seen a surge in popularity too, as many people do admittedly dislike having their priests and vicars clock them in for a service. Some Quaker and Unitarian churches however have ID Card Inspectors hovering outside the churches in order to check on the cards of people dressed in their Sunday best, so most people’s regular or irregular proximity to a church can now be accurately measured.
In the early days of the St. Dunstans’ Experiment, we found that some parishioners were cheating the system. They would arrive at the beginning of mass, have their ID cards read, and then they would leave without staying for the services. We stopped this by having our flocks checked both on entering and on leaving after a church event. The only problem now is that there is sometimes a scramble at the close of the hymnbooks as people rush to the exits hoping to be among the first of our growing congregation to get out. Older people, who find it more challenging to stand up and walk out quickly, often end up waiting for up to thirty minutes after a given service before they can go home. It is a small price to pay for eternal salvation. Those who do not attend regular church events will find it increasingly difficult to secure favour in society. Atheism Humanism and secularism are no longer fashionable. ID Cards are the State’s greatest gift to God since the Reformation.
Reports are reaching us that regular church attendance is a good thing to have registered on any given ID Card as many employers and court officials appreciate good traditional Christian values. I have no doubt that a few miscreants will be eager to be seen gaining ID Card proof of church attendance while maintaining entirely secular values. I only hope they convert more sincerely before the good Lord deals with their treachery. Other faiths are slower to adopt temple and church ID check procedures. Muslims and Jews fear racist and anti-Semitic reprisals from many who see their cards recording evidence of their levels of religious devotion. We are working hard at St. Dunstans to show our neighbouring creeds that such fears are groundless.
© Copyright. Arthur Chappell
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