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TONIGHT’S NEWS.
From now on, TV broadcasters are obliged to disclose their ID numbers on screen below their names. As you can see where my name comes up at the foot of your screen, I am Mike Reynarde 6410987647494042 reporting on behalf of the BBC.
Also from tonight, all television programmes will show the ID numbers of cast members next to their names in the closing credits. Shows, which are repeats, will of course, be exempt. There will also be exemptions for government ministers and officials for reasons of national security.
There are now plans to put ID cards to use even in the family home. To date, people only need their cards when they go out in public. Now there are initiatives to have cards used in special slots in the domestic television set. The card being placed into a slot will tell the authorities when someone is watching television, and which programmes, as well as videos and DVD’s. This will help to reduce the level of pornography people will watch through their television sets.
There have been complaints from many people that the
information on
their ID cards is inaccurate, and the information that the cards contain
is very difficult to interpret correctly. A man in Reddish Vale found that he
was registered as a paedophile even though he has no criminal
convictions whatsoever. One lady from Blakely discovered that her card had
been deactivated because she was believed to be dead. She was very much
alive and well, and trying to book into a Health Spa in Bath when the
problem came to light. A Government spokesman stated that there were
bound to be some teething troubles with the new technology behind the ID
cards, but that overall, the scheme was working very well indeed.
As of October 31st 2015 ID Card Inspectors will have the right to visit homes and workplaces to conduct random or pre-planned ID Card inspections on any and all adult UK citizens. Please keep your houses tidy. Social workers will be particularly interested in inspecting how well parents look after their children and pets.
The truth has emerged concerning the government’s use of Sat-Nav, the Satellite navigation tracking system by which they have been able to keep up with the geographical locations of any and all ID Card bearers as and when required. To date it has been claimed that the Sat-Nav tracker is only active for any given ID Card when the State, through its ID Inspectors and other officials, wish to specifically follow someone’s movements throughout the UK, and the wider World. In reality, it now turns out that the Sat-Nav systems track all ID Card signatures at all times. If they wish to inspect someone’s movements for any given day, or hour, the information can be retrieved on any ID at the click of a computer mouse. Human rights protesters have expressed their outrage. Government officials declined to comment on this startling development.
The National Identity register is such a comprehensive library of information on the movements of most UK Citizens that the House Of Commons is preparing to read a bill calling for the reintroduction of capital punishment. The card, with its storage of daily ID check data, fingerprints and DNA samples, as well as its increasingly sophisticated satellite navigation tracking records of the movements of every single one of us, is proving to be 87.4 % reliable as a source of legal evidence. MP’s in favour of a death sentence motion, including the rime Minister, believe that ID Cards render a Christie & Evans style miscarriage of justice highly unlikely. Opponents refer to the 13 % of people whose cards have not proved to be reliable legal documentation.
Anti-ID Card rebels have broken into a factory in Wythenshawe where ID Card reading machines were being manufactured and stored. The machines were quickly put into use to altar and erase vital information on the National Identity Register. The machines responsible have now been electronically identified and rendered useless. The culprits responsible remain at large. A Government spokesman, who declined to be named, has declared that a Bill is being sent through Whitehall calling for any interference with ID Inspectors and their apparatus should be regarded as political terrorism, and the people responsible should be treated accordingly.
A number of pharmaceutical chemists are divulging the names of people going to them with medical prescriptions, and telling the Inspectors what drugs and treatments have been prescribed by any given patient’s GP. While doctors have refused to break patient confidentiality and disclose such information to Inspectors in most cases, Chemists are not bound by such rules or any kind of Hippocratic oath.
Many doctors have noted that Inspectors stand close to surgeries and clinics to check on the identity of patients approaching and leaving. This has been the cause of many complaints, but little action has been taken to stop such practice.
The use of chemists is another tactic described as extremely ruthless by Anti-ID Card protesters. Many leading High Street Chemists also process photographs for their customers, including passport and ID photos. This means that they must by necessity be able to give ID Checks. They are often the very first people approached when people require a new ID Card. It has come as a shock to many that they are now disclosing information about drugs prescribed onto the National Identity Register, where most employers can access the files.
No High Street Chemists who disclose such data were willing to comment to our reporters on this practice.
Sewage workers were astonished last night to find twenty people having a cocktail party in the pipes taking sewage under Victoria railway Station. The guests, wearing expensive evening wear, with ladies in jewellery and elegant dresses, and men wearing tuxedos, had set p a table in an ankle deep pool of lavatory waste produce, and despite the smell, the rats and other problems, they were thoroughly enjoying themselves. Asked by arresting police officers why they chose such a place to have a party, their host, Mr. Andrew Tatlock 8767456354349532 said that he and his friends were sick of having their nights out ruined by constant ID Checks.
ID Card Inspectors, who witnessed the arrest of Mr. Tatlock, observed that a number of people had taken to trespassing in the sewers. Many used them as short cuts and as a route that spared them from the risk of being questioned about their ID every few minutes. The spokesman pointed out that only people with something to hide had any reason to be frightened or intimidated by himself and his fellow inspectors. He added that the sewers were not only places of disease, which in many cases could collapse easily, and where smokers risked setting off methane explosions. He also pointed out that ID Card Inspectors were now going to patrol the sewers, and many sewer workers were to be issued with water-proof ID Card Inspection machines with which to question any unauthorised individuals wandering around under the ground. He said that the sewers were an obvious target for terrorists who could collapse then and bring down major roads and buildings, potentially harming many. The sewers were not a safe place to walk through or have parties. Such practice would now be stopped. Anyone trying to take unusual routes to any given place in the hope of evading inspection was to be treated with extreme suspicion.
The award for best kept house and garden as gone once more to an Identity Card Inspector, Gordon Rivers 5654454689021579 of Maine Road, Rusholme. Critics say that the Inspectors have some advantage in the competition as they not only have a high income, but also tend to put their uniforms, and hold up their warrant cards throughout the work being done on their properties and report any plumbers, plasterers, gardeners and decorators through the National Identity Register for the slightest sign of sloppy workmanship.
Inspector Rivers waved his trophy with pride and dismissed such criticism as sour grapes from losing contestants. After the ceremony, Mr. Rivers and his supporters took ID readings from all of the losing contestants.
There was an audacious and unusual bank raid in Derker, Oldham this afternoon. Four heavily masked men bearing sawn-off shotguns briefly took four bank-tellers, their manager, and thirty customers hostage. The raiders did not demand any money or other valuables, but they did take everyone’s ID Cards off them. They also took four ID Card reading machines, before leaving, after using the manager’s ID Card to lock the staff and customers in the bank’s vault.
The lives of the people robbed were thrown into chaos. Phones were used in attempts to call the police, but the operator insisted that the callers give out their sixteen digits ID Number by reading it off the card first. As no one had written a card number down separately, the only people with the numbers were the bank robbers who were now long gone. There is a special help-line that people can use to report lost, faulty and stolen ID Cards, but the number was not in the bank vault.
Four hours after the robbery, a late shift manager was able to open the bank vault using his own card, and he contacted the emergency services.
Police were slow getting statements from the many victims and witnesses due to not being used to seeing so many people without ID Cards at once. Normally a police statement being taken involves taking an ID reading immediately before and immediately after the statement is taken to mark the interview times involved. The paperwork involved when such a procedure is no longer possible proved to be extremely time consuming.
As replacement cards would take several days to produce, many of the people involved in the raid found their lives brought to a grinding standstill. The bank staffs alone was unable to return to duty without being checked for their ID on entering the bank. They were forced into taking unpaid leave and their absenteeism was in some cases recorded on the National Identity Register.
Customers complained that they were only in the bank in such large numbers due to the staff insisting on taking multiple ID checks on them when they came in to withdraw cash from their accounts or discuss a mortgage. The bank staff duly noted their hostility on each and everyone of their replacement ID Cards.
A few hours after the raid, the cards were found burnt and melted in a fire started in a back alley close to the bank. Later still, an anonymous caller informed our reporters that the attack was the work of the Anti-ID Alliance (AIDA) who wanted to show the world the absurdity of using ID Cards to hunt for criminals and terrorists. AIDA say that more such raids will follow soon, and that their campaign continues until the ID Card regime ends.
Tests have been successfully conducted with automated ID Card reading technology attached to motorway speed cameras. The devises studied can effectively read a card through microwave radio energy impulse signals when the drivers and passengers have their cards in the car with them, even if the card is contained in a wallet, or a suitcase.
The authorities fully expected angry criticism from motorists who have always been unhappy even with speed cameras as a form of surveillance. To many people’s surprise however, the strongest condemnation of the project comes from Identity Card Inspectors who fear such technology taking over from their approach, and in effect putting them out of a job. While writing reports on ID Card inspections for the National Identity Register will still involve human Inspectors, fully automated ID Card Readers could indeed lead to many redundancies within the system.
Their employer, Lord Portland stated that the fears about impending unemployment were groundless scare mongering circulated by anti-ID Card protesters. However, a number of ID Card inspectors have threatened industrial action, up to and including going on strike. Lord Portland said that all IDCI’s threatening such action have already forfeited their right not to be ID’d by their more dedicated colleagues, and that many of them supporting such a mutiny, will face summary dismissal. . He stated categorically; “ID Card Inspectors are the front line soldiers in the war against crime and terrorism. If they relax from their duties even for a moment, the terrorists will do considerable damage to the fabric of our society. Our soldiers have no right to strike. Too many lives are held in their hands. All IDCI’s threatening to go on strike risk summary court martial and dismissal from the service.
The Anti-ID Card lobby have maintained their protests throughout the period in which the cards have been in force. They have long denounced the system as unworkable and over-expensive. They are delighted to hear that the system is now beginning to crack open from within, as well as through their external pressures.
One Inspector, who declined to be named, informed us that what goes into a speed camera today could soon be attached to every lamp-post, surveillance security camera, shop-till and wall in Britain. Lord Portland denounces the traitors within his team as delusional Luddites.
Gerald Longhurst, 6576655764006757 spokesmen for a leading opponent To ID Card pressure group, NO I D-A, believes that the is the beginning of the end for the whole ID Card culture. Others expect the fuss to die down more discreetly and quickly. Time will tell.
© Copyright. Arthur
Chappell
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