BLIND DATE (SCRIPT)
The following script requires more formatting to date.
BY ARTHUR CHAPPELL
EXT. Opening Credits appear over scene of the entrance to an office block. A disfigured male hand, in a white glove appears, and moves around as if someone is looking for a particular bell, which he sees. The bell is labelled The Love Craft Dating Agency. A finger pushes the bell.
OS Voice (MISS MILLBOON)
Love Craft Dating Agency. How may we help you.
J. ALFRED (Face as yet unseen)
J. Alfred Cthulhu here. I understand you have some interesting news for me.
OS VOICE (MISS MILLBOON)
Yes. Yes Indeed, Sir. Come right in.
There is an electronic buzzer noise. The door opens. J. Alfred enters.
CUT
INT - Shot from top of long staircase, as J. Alfred enters the building and climbs the stairs. As he approaches the camera, we see that he has a squid's face, and that he is green. One hand is mis-shapen. The other is normal, human. He walks with an ornate walking stick. He walks towards and past the camera.
FADE
INT - The office of the Love Craft Dating Agency. MISS MILLBOON , dotty genial eccentric lady greets him at the door and ushers him in, sitting him down in a comfy chair. There is a computer nearby showing logos and menus for the dating agency itself.
MILLBOON
Would you like a cup of tea?
J. ALFRED CTHULHU
No thank you. What news do you have for me?
MILLBOON
More than just news, J. Alfred. I have managed to find a lady who matches your personality needs and desires.
J. ALFRED (Calmly)
Indeed. Sounds promising. Tell me more.
MILLBOON.
Well, she's a lovely young lady of thirty years old. She has an interest in magic and all things supernatural ,and she is deeply into madness.
J. ALFRED (attentively)
She told you this herself?
MILLBOON
Oh yes, it's in her character profile. Look, we ran a computer check on her, just like we did on you.
( MILLBOON produces a printout and hands it to J. ALFRED). He snatches it rather excitedly and reads through it.
J. ALFRED (Reading)
"Sara Reynarde. Interests and hobbies include study of magic, wicca and the supernatural Totally totally totally into Madness - love the sheer insanity of it all. …."
He looks up from the print out.
J ALFRED
She sounds perfect.. Anything else I should know?
MILLBOON
Yes, I'm sorry to say that the young lady cannot see. She is totally blind. She has been since birth. Is that likely to be a problem for you?
J. ALFRED
No, not at all. In many ways, it will be an advantage for me. Is it possible to meet the young mortal soon?
MILLBOON
Tell me where you want to meet her, and I will try to arrange for her to be there too. All I need is where and when.
J. ALFRED
How about this Saturday, at the Carmina Burana? A favourite dining centre for me.
MILLBOON
I know of it. Leave the details to me. If things don't work out, do feel free to come back to arrange another date through us, won't you.
J. ALFRED
I trust things will go so well I will have no longer need of your services, but thank you anyway for your kindness and patience towards me.
MILLBOON
You're welcome. Good luck, luvvie.
J. ALFRED
Fare well.
J. ALFRED leaves the office. MILLBOON Makes herself a cup of tea.
MILLBOON (To herself)
I love happy endings.
CUT
INT. We see Alfred go off down the stairs. CUT
EXT - Shot of the quiet back street and the Carmina Burana Restaurant entrance.
CAPTION
SATURDAY NIGHT 8 PM
INT. Inside the restaurant. A waiter is acting as doorman, welcoming diners in. Most are couples. A catholic priest enters.
DOORMAN-WAITER
Do you have a reservation, Sir?
PRIEST
Yes, a table for one. Father Stephen Whittaker is the name. May I have my usual table?
DOORMAN- WAITER
Alas not Sir, that table is booked already this evening.
PRIEST
But I always sit there. Always. I've never had problems getting the alcove before.
DOORMAN-WAITER
I'm afraid tonight someone did beat you to it. I am very sorry. You may sit here.
DOORMAN-WAITER points to a small vacant table, which we see on close up is wobbly and propped up at one end on a wedge of paper under the uneven sized legs
DOORMAN-WAITER
It is our only other free table this evening.
PRIEST (RELUCTNTLY)
Then I must make do as best I can. No need for a menu. I will have the fried squid this evening, and a glass of claret red wine.
DOORMAN-WAITER (with raised eyebrows)
An excellent choice, Sir. Excellent choice.
DOORMAN-WAITER lifts a chair out for the PRIEST who sits down. The DOORMAN-WAITER turns, sees J. ALFRED walking in through the door, and practically throws the napkin at the PRIEST. It lands on the floor.
DOORMAN-WAITER
Excuse me, Sir, another customer. I shall pass your order on to the kitchen staff momentarily.
PRIEST (looking under the table for the fallen napkin and mumbling to himself)
Disgraceful. Disgraceful. I've never known service this bad here before.
DOORMAN-WAITER (To J ALFRED)
Good Evening, Sir. Are you well?
J. ALFRED
Fine thank you.
DOORMAN-WAITER
Allow me to show you your table. Right this way sir.
DOORMAN-WAITER leads J ALFRED past other diners and waiters, non of who seem bothered or surprised by his appearance at all. The PRIEST however looks up just after J. Alfred has past, having just recovered his napkin, and sees a glimpse of the octopus man's monster flesh He gasps in surprise and horror.
DOORMAN-WAITER takes J. ALFRED to the alcove and pulls a seat back to enable the monster to sit down.
DOORMAN-WAITER
Would you like to see a menu now, Sir?
J. ALFRED (putting a fresh carnation in his jacket lapel)
May I wait until my companion for this evening arrives? It would be awfully rude of me to start before she gets here. If she comes of course…
DOORMAN-WAITER
Oh, really Sir. I'm sure she will be here for you…. Ah, in fact, I believe this may be her now.
SARA REYNARDE arrives at the doorway. A waiter goes over to her.
WAITER -JENKINS
May I be of assistance my dear?
SARA
Why, yes, I was wondering if there was a Mister J. Alfred….
The DOORMAN-WAITER (arriving at the scene) talking to JENKINS
I'll look after this lady, Jenkins. It's OK. Perhaps you would care to keep an eye on Mister Whittaker there. (angrily) He wants Squid, now of all times)
SARA
Sorry, I don't mean to be any trouble….
DOORMAN-WAITER
You're no trouble at all, my dear. Come with me. I will take you to your friend, Mister J. Alfred Cthulhu…..
DOORMAN-WAITER guides SARA carefully and quickly past the tables and other diners, towards the alcove. We seethe other diners taking no notice while the PRIEST stares fixedly at what is going on, and looks dissaproving of the matter.
WAITER-JENKINS arrives at PRIEST's Table with a large plate of hot squid tentacles.
WAITER-JENKINS (quite cynically, as he throws the plate down before the PRIEST)
Your Squid, Sir. Enjoy your meal.
PRIEST (calling him back as he turns to go)
Tell me, young man, do you know anything of the couple who are dining in the alcove this evening?
WAITER-JENKINS
Can't say I do, Sir, sorry.
PRIEST (winking at the waiter)
You know, I have been known to leave a very generous tip here from time to time, if you get my drift.
WAITER-JENKINS (angrily, but with his voice low to avoid startling other diners)
Sir, it is not at all polite to stare at our other customers nor to pry into their affairs.
PRIEST (nervously)
B…but surely y y you must have seen what is going on! The man is…is is ….
WAITER-JENKINS
Dining with a blind girl. Yes sir, I would have to blind myself not to see that, wouldn't I, but we do not discriminate here against disabled people dining. If you have a problem with her being here, you may leave any time you wish, comprende?
PRIEST
Forgive me. That is not what I meant. You don't quite understand me.
WAITER-JENKINS
Oh, I understand perfectly, Sir, and I am surprised at you, given your professional status. Now eat your octopus and don't say another word on the matter. I forbid it.
WAITER JENKINS leaves the PRIESR alone. The PRIEST is speechless. He makes the sign of the cross to himself and starts to slowly eat the squid meal.
In the alcove, J. ALFRED AND SARA are trying to think what to say to one another.
SARA (full of nervous giggles)
You are J. Alfred, aren't you? I'd hate to think I was with the wrong man. That would be awfully embarressing.
J. ALFRED
You have found the right place and the right…(PAUSE) man, Miss Reynarde. How do you do?
SARA
Pleased to meet you.
SARA holds out her hand to shake hands with him. J. ALFRED almost shakes hands with the monstrous one, but changes hands to use his human one, forcing SARA to swap hands too. (he has removed the glove from his human hand)
SARA (giggling)
Sorry, Sorry. Wrong hand.
J. ALFRED
Quite alright, in fact it was entirely my fault, not yours.
DOORMAN-WAITER
Is everything to your satisfaction, here?
J ALFRED
Yes, very much so.
SARA
It's wonderful, thank you.
DOORMAN-WAITER
Would you like to order anything now, or wait until later? I assure you there is no hurry whatsoever for you.
J. ALFRED
If the young lady wishes, I will happily order us some wine.
SARA
That sounds very nice. What would you recommend?
DOORMAN-WAITER
We do an excellent Chardonnay here. Highly reccomended.
SARA
Is that OK with you, Alfred?
J. ALFRED
As the lady wishes. A bottle of Chardonnay would be fine.
DOORMAN-WAITER
Very good, Sir.
DOORMAN-WAITER reaches with a lighter to light the candle on the table, but J. Alfred looks at it and the candle lights itself. DOORMAN-WAITER smiles at J Alfred knowingly and then leaves to fetch the wine.
PRIEST is not enjoying his meal much at all. The squid seems tough and tastes bad but he perseveres. Other diners seem happy enough. WAITER-JENKINS looks towards him while tidying away some plates from a now vacated table and smiles sadistically.
SARA
So, what does the J. stand for in your name?
J. ALFRED
Jasgoroth … It's am erm Hungarian name, meaning bearer of … good appetites.
SARA
You're Hungarian?
J. ALFRED
No, My ancestors … my parents were,. I am from the outer dimensions that lean upon Fallowfield..
SARA (Giggling)
Outer dimensions… You are ever so funny. You make it sound like another planet. I suppose it is with all the football fans round there near the Manchester City Ground. It must be very noisy at night after a match. It must drive you insane.
J. ALFRED
Talkimg of insanity let us discuss your interests in life. You show remarkable affinities to my own aims. Tell me more. What strange magics do you practice? Alchemy, sorcery, necromancy?
SARA
Oh God, I don't practice any of that stuff. I'm not a witch or anything. I just read about it in a few new age books. My Mum says I'm psychic and I can sometimes tell people's personalities, but not too well.
J. ALFRED
H, you're an enthusiastic beginner. Perhaps I hoped for someone more adept, and skilled, but no matter, …
SARA
Youwanted me to be a witch? What? Like the one in The Wizard OfOz… Help me… I'm meltinmg, melting….. (cackles) ha ha ha ha
J. ALFRED
You speak of a work of incantation I am not familier with….
SARA
The Wizard Of Oz? You don't know it…."
J. ALFRED
Alas not, but perhaps one day we will become acquainted…..
SARA (Laughing)
Just head over the rainbow, and lok for the Emerald City…. Anyway, where was I… Oh yes, the psychic stuff. My Mum tells me I have an uncanny knack for guessing people's personalities. She thinks it's ESP… You know, extra-sensory perception…"
J. ALFRED
I'm familier with the concept, yes, pray do continue.
SARA
You don't half talk funny, Alfie….
J. ALFRED
Alfred, I prefer that to Alfie, please…..
SARA
Sorry, Love, …. Anyway, my mum says I seem to read people like some people read books….."
J. ALFRED
What do you see in me, My dear? Can you read me like a book?
SARA
I an try. It's not easy with someone I have only just met, but my first impression is that you are a kind gentleman. You are witty and debonair…. You are sophisticated. You have good taste, but… there's something else….
J. ALFRED
It's OK, you can tell me. I won't be offended or hurt…
SARA
But that's just it. You will be offended and hurt. You are very sensitive. You worry that people might not like you. I felt the way you flinched when we shook hands. I think you are harmed in some way. Do you have burns or scar tissue? Is that why you wanted a date with someone who cannot see you?
J. ALFRED (pausing momentarily)
You are right of course. I am disfigured, badly so. Few ladies would think of being too close to me. I suspected that a lady in your position might be more open minded…..
SARA (reaching over and touching the hand that is monstrous)
It's OK. I can cope with that. I can cope with anything.
J. ALFRED (pulling back his hand, but not too violently)
Your perception is strong, Sara, but is mere good, kind psychology, not some extra-sensory force. Nevertheless, it is a rare gift for anyone in this world. You have more magic in you than you know. Alas, none of it is what you would call supernatural.
SARA
Like I said, I read books on it. I don't really do it myself at all. Do you?
J. ALFRED
I've.. been known to dabble, it is useful in the art of creating madness…..
SARA (puzzled)
Creating madness? I don't follow.
J. ALFRED
Yes you do, insanity, craziness, paranoia… you said in your hobbies list that you are into Madness.
SARA
Oh that, yes… They're great. Suggs is such a doll…..
J. ALFRED
Suggs?
SARA
Yes, Suggs, the lead singer…. (dissapointed as she realises something). You don't know who madness are at all, do you? The band, they sang House Of Fun, and baggy Trousers. She starts to sing lines from a Madness song. "Welcome to the house of fun .. now I've come of age, etc….
J ALFRED gets up quietly, in great agitation and walks to where the DOORMAN-WAITER is tending another customer.
J. ALFRED
I have an appointment somewhere. Could you see to it that the young lady gets home OK, by taxi. You may settle the bill from my usual direct debit details.
DOORMAN-WAITER
As you wish, Sir. Sorry things did not go as planned for you this evening.
J. ALFRED
There may be other occassions.
DOORMAN-WAITER
I sincerely hope so, Sir. I do. Goodnight.
With a polite bow, J. Alfred walks away towards the door, passing the PRIEST as he goes. The PRIEST looks at him, but J. Alfed passes him without looking back, but as he passes the PRIEST's squid attacks the PRIEST who collapses to the floor with it round his throat, making other diners cry in alarm.
J. ALFRED goes out of the restaurant doors.
Sara stops singing as she hears the commotion, and calls out for J. ALFRED.
SARA
Alfred. Alfred. Where are you… Alfred?
DOORMAN-WAITER appears by her side.
DOORMAN-WAITER
I'm afraid your friend has had to leave, my dear.
SARA (Crying)
Why? Was it something I said?
DOORMAN-WAITER
Not at all, I'm sure. But don't worry, everything is taken care of for you. He has left us instructions to get you a safe taxi cab home. It is outside, even as we speak.
OS Someone screams.
SARA
What was that?
DOORMAN-WAITER
Nothing you need concern yourself about. Another diner has fainted for some reason, possibly too much to drink. He won't be allowed in here again.
We seethe PRIEST's dead face being covered in a white table cloth, as WAITER-JEKINS asks another waiter a question.
WAITER JENKINS (whispering)
Would you get his legs. We'll put him in the kitchen for now and throw in him the canal later, like we usually do.
Without a word the other waiter helps haul the corpse away.
DOORMAN-WAITER leads SARA by the hand towards the exit and out the door. He calls to her as she goes.
DOORMAN-WAITER
The taxi is immediately in front of you. Just keep going in a straight line.
EXT - SARA walks towards the taxi. The driver sees her and gets out to guide her to the cab.
TAXI DRIVER
It's al right Love. Hold on there a moment.
SARA (still in tears)
OK, Thank you
She stops walking. There is then a strange green light flash around her eyes. Sara cries out in momentary pain and rubs her eyes with her hands, accidentally knocking her dark glasses away. She spots them, and bends sown to pick them up, and realises what has happened.
SARA
I can see. I can see! (she laughs.) I don't believe it. (She shouts up the street.) I can fucking see!!!!
TAXI DRIVER (reaching her side?)
Are you alright love?
SARA kisses him.
SARA
Never better, thank you. Thank you. In fact, I'm going to walk home. Bye.
SARA gives the TAXI DRIVER her cane and walks, and then runs off down the street. Singing House Of Fun again as she embraces lamposts and takes in various sites around herself.
The TAXI DRIVER gets into the cab and turns to J. ALFRED who is now sitting in the back.
TAXI DRIVER
WHERE TO, SIR?
J.ALFRED
Home, please. Fallowfield.
TAXI DRIVER
Right you are sir,. The taxi starts and the camera follows it up the road as the closing credits start to roll. FADE TO BLACK.
END
That was a Rubbish Production
Arthur Chappell
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