MY MY MY DELILAH.
On many Saturdays, our parish priest, Father Martin Goodwin, popped into our house in Bacup in the afternoons. This led many neighbours to believe that Daniel and I are devout Catholics, but that is far from the case. Daniel is lapsed Church of England. I’m an atheist. We only ever go into churches for weddings and funerals.
Father Goodwin knows Daniel from when they were kids. He was welcome as far as I was concerned for that reason alone. Sensing my lack of faith, and tendency to wear short skirts but no wedding ring, he was often distant, and scathing, though not impolite to me. Daniel usually ushered him into the TV room – I suspected it was the chance to watch the football on our widescreen plasma television that really provoked these meetings.
Last Saturday it all came to an embarrassing end – it was Delilah’s fault.
Daniel was late home from work – not too late – just about half an hour. He had just phoned to let me know. He often worked Saturday mornings. I was left at home with Delilah. When Father Goodwin knocked, I knew it was he – the fool seemed to have a phobia about doorbells – I hid Delilah away and let him in.
He was nervous at not seeing Daniel, or Danny, as he called him, often singing Danny Boy, though neither of them was Irish. Daniel was Scottish, and Father Goodwin was English
He made excuses to leave, and come back another time. My pink panties being on display below the hem of my black denim micro-skirt probably made him more apprehensive. I insisted that he come in and wait though, as it looked like it might rain (as it might have done if there had been so much as a cloud in the sky).
I ushered the priest in, making him feel like I might seduce him, though I had no intention of going down the Thorn Birds path with a man who never combed his hair or bothered with deodorant. I ushered him into the TV room, and invited him to switch the TV set on for himself, assuring him that Daniel would be home shortly and then I went to put the kettle on.
Father Goodwin knew how our TV worked, so I was aware that he would use the remote control to switch it on ready for the big live match. As he screamed, I knew that was what he had been trying to do. That’s when Delilah had pounced.
I rushed from the kitchen to his aid. He sat paralysed in fear on the end of the settee as the sleek blue aluminium coated vibrator whirred and slowly moved towards him. He was in no danger, but his expression was that of a man trapped in the path of a seriously pissed off rattlesnake.
He looked imploringly to me with eyes that were giving the kind of prayer for help I’d have expected a man of his profession to offer to God.
I suppressed my laughter and reached for Delilah before the Priest could empty bladder and bowel on my furniture. I picked her up and flicked the off switch on her base. Delilah went to sleep and I assured the man of the cloth that he was quite safe.
He gulped and begged to know what the Devil the creature was. I told him that Delilah was not a living creature, but an electronic battery powered gadget – my vibrator in fact.
For a moment, I thought I would have to give him the facts of life, but it dawned on him what a vibrator was, and he looked at me apoplexicaly. “You dare to name it after a Biblical character… how blasph….”
“It’s the manufacturer’s name for her – not mine.”
“How did the monster come to attack me?”
“It’s not a monster and it didn’t attack you. It isn’t that sentient. The remote control for Delilah is set to the same frequency as the TV remote control. Each has a tendency to set the other off. Delilah wasn’t coming to get you. She was just trembling away because you switched her on trying to get the football. I’d been playing with her before you arrived. I should have moved her out of the room. Sorry about that.”
“You play with such lewd devices? My God. It’s disgusting.”
“Don’t be so judgemental, Father. I have to amuse myself in some way when Daniel isn’t here.”
“Yes, but Mary, this apparatus is not for good wholesome people like you. It’s the kind of thing they sell in sordid sex shops.”
“You mean the sex shops. Yes, I know. I shop there, all the time. It is not a sin for me to be a sexual being.”
“Why would such a machine need a remote control anyway? I just saw you switch it off by hand.”
“The remote control is an extra, optional feature. It allows a second person to operate the vibrator for me without actually touching it. Sometimes Daniel will tease me by using the remote control by switching it on or off from a distance while I move it around within myself. It’s a tremendous turn on not knowing when he will switch it on or off next.”
“You should not be playing such games before wedlock. You know the Church does not approve.”
“I don’t go to Church, remember. I’m not one of your flock.”
“But, it’s not nice.”
“Oh, it is, Father. It feels gorgeous. Shame you don’t have a vagina. I could show you.”
“Do not insult me…”
Daniel walking into the room cut off the rest of his rant. He had arrived home and let himself in with his keys. He heard us arguing so heatedly, and came in to see if he could help.
“He found Delilah,” I said, and that was all the explanation that was required.
“Oh, Christ,” Daniel growled. He turned to his old friend. “Look, father, I’m sure Mary has apologised about this to you.”
“She has, but I am shocked by her dependency on such devices, especially before marriage. Perhaps during the football, you and I could discuss this in some detail.”
Daniel shook his head. “No, Father, we can’t. I’m tired of you yacking all the way through the game every time you come round. I seldom hear the commentaries because you keep quoting Ecclesiastes this and Isaiah that. I know you are jealous of the woman I love. Oh; and I’ve seen the tissues that haven’t flushed in our bathroom on occasion. You resent me having a relationship that is denied to you by your vows. Tough shit! Mary is mine, and Delilah is hers. Seeing as you are so hostile and resentful of her pleasuring herself so much, you can leave. Get out. Now.”
Daniel spoke calmly, as though his words were rehearsed. He had obviously been looking for a chance to tell the priest to get off our case for some time. Delilah had given him the excuse he needed.
The Priest seemed reluctant to go. Daniel picked up Delilah and switched her on. He moved her towards the unwelcome guest as if brandishing a switchblade.
Goodwin skulked out quietly and quickly, without even a prayer of forgiveness for either of us. Daniel slammed the door behind him, shouting ‘Good riddance’, rather triumphantly for a man who had just lost his best friend.
I threw myself into Daniel’s arms and sobbed with relief and felt a deep admiration for his cool handling of the situation.
“I’m so sorry. I know you two are old pals. I didn’t mean to get between you.”
Daniel kissed me. “It’s Ok. He was getting more sanctimonious and self-righteous every visit. He was obsessed with talking me into coming to church and either marrying you there or dumping you. He even had plans on who to fix me up with as your replacement – some spinster who plays the organ for him. I saw her picture – she looked like the goofy one out of the Banana Splits cartoons – absolutely ghastly. Frankly, I’m glad he’s gone. I’ll actually get to watch the football in peace now.”
“Did he really jerk himself off in our bathroom?”
“Yes, and like I said, he didn’t clear up after himself too well afterwards.”
“What a creep. Let’s hope he doesn’t file an assault charge against you for threatening him with a sex toy.”
“I doubt if he will. He’s wise enough to know the police and the bishop would laugh about a complaint about a vibrator.“
I laughed, and then I went sheepish, coy and apologetic. “I should confess to something, Dan; I knew full well that I’d left Delilah out. I rather hoped he would find her. I wanted to bring him round to talking more openly to me, rather than just looking at me like I was the Bacup village whore.“
“Jesus! You set him up. What a bitch. I love you more by the minute.“
His grin startled me. “I thought you might be offended.”
“Not at all. I mean, yes, of course. How wicked of you, my little Jezebel. You must be punished for this. I’m going to torment you with Delilah. Oh, fuck! Her batteries have run out. Guess, I’ll just have to torment you the old fashioned way. “
Daniel took his pants down, and threw himself towards me. I just had time to lose the skirt and he pulled my panties down for me and plunged in as we sank down onto the sofa, and from there, we rolled onto the floor. Neither of us removed our shirts. All of our energy was directed further down than that. Daniel was still smouldering with adrenalin from his outburst with the priest, and that soon translated itself into a passionate intensity within me. His heat poured through me quickly and I gasped.
As we finished making love, I massaged Daniel’s shoulders and told him to go shopping for me first thing on Monday morning. He knew that Delilah needed batteries, but he was surprised when I told him to call to the barbers too.
“Your hair is getting long – you need a trim, Samson, “ I said, smiling.
“Looks like it’s you who should be called Delilah now,” said the priest-slayer.
**** The End ***
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