UNBAPTISM By Arthur Chappell
Ah! Bishop, thank you for seeing me at such short notice. It's about my baptism. Oh, no. I don't want one. Any old priest can baptise people. I wouldn't need to talk to a Bishop for that. What I want is something the priests I've spoken too don't want to know about. They all said I'd best talk to you. You see, I want my Baptism annulled. That's right, annulled. I want it declared null and void. I want to be un-born again.
What on Earth for? Well, for one thing, I never asked for it in the first place. My parents arranged it all when I was about three months old. They were lapsed Catholics, and well, you know how it is, neighbours expect that sort of thing. They call it tradition. I prefer to think of it as superstition. It's now that I've grown up a bit and become an atheistic Humanist, I realize I want my baptism and all record of it in your parish files, declared null and void. I don't want to be a parish statistic, of another working class Manchester Catholic, because I'm not a Catholic. I never would have been a Catholic, given a choice or a say in the matter. I'm, well, me. I'm an atheist and a Humanist. I'm a Freethinker.
No offence intended, but as Groucho Marx said, "I'd like to buy back my introduction to you."
I just wonder, the annulment; will I just receive a letter from you, or possibly the Pope, if he bothers with this sort of thing, telling me to consider it done? Or will I be expected to take part in some kind of baptism service in reverse; a sort of satanic black mass version if you like? I'm a bit big to hold over the font now, I expect. Perhaps it needs to be an excommunication version of the born again happy clappy style baptism, you know, in a swimming pool, fully clothed, with a priest or bishop dunking you under the water till you think you might drown. I expect for me you would have to unconsecrate the holy water and holy chlorine, or possibly even desecrate the water. Just how would that be done? No, please, I'd rather not think about that.
Oh, before I forget; here's a parcel. It's all those hail Mary's your priests gave me to do after their confessions. There aren't too many, I'm afraid, as I hardly ever went anyway, and I usually left without bothering to recite half the Rosary anyway. It's bad enough getting a crack of your Mum for pinching the Eccles cakes without being threatened with eternal hellfire for it as well, so, I've marked the envelope, RETURN TO SENDER..
Returning the communion wafers is a problem. My digestive system consumed all those years ago. I feel as though I'd indulged in cannibalism with all that body and blood of Christ talk, - quite frightening stuff when your eight years old, so here's a loaf of bread and a bottle of Blue Nun wine .
Now, when can I expect you to send me on my way without your blessings?
UNBAPTISM – Story based on this article, fusing atheist philosophy and wetlook fetish activity.
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